英文爆笑笑話[精華]

英文爆笑笑話1

　　Give up your seat to a lady

　　Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

　　"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.

　　"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

　　給女士讓座

　　小強(qiáng)尼說(shuō)：“媽媽?zhuān)�今天早上和爸爸在公�?chē)上時(shí)，他叫我讓座給一位女士�！�

　　媽媽說(shuō)：“你做得很對(duì)呀�！�

　　“但是，媽媽?zhuān)�我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的�！�

英文爆笑笑話2

　　：You may put my beard on again

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it. "Two pence," said the man. "No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again." The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave. "A penny." said the barber. "I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again." 賣(mài)掃帚的人和理發(fā)師

　　一個(gè)賣(mài)掃帚的人去一家理發(fā)店修面.理發(fā)師向他買(mǎi)了一把掃帚.當(dāng)理發(fā)師給他修完面后,問(wèn)了一下掃帚的價(jià)錢(qián). 賣(mài)掃帚的人說(shuō):"兩便士"

　　"不,不"理發(fā)師說(shuō),"我只出一便士.如果你認(rèn)為不夠的'話,可以把掃帚拿回去."

　　賣(mài)掃帚的人取回了掃帚,隨后問(wèn)修面要付多少錢(qián). 賣(mài)掃帚的人說(shuō):"我只能給你半個(gè)便士,如果你認(rèn)為不夠的話,你可以把胡子再替我裝上."

英文爆笑笑話3

視力訓(xùn)練 Visual Training

　　The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots， but unhesitatinglythe recruit replied： “Sixteen men and a sergeant，sir.” “Right;but how do you know there's a sergeant there?” “He's not doing any digging,sir.”

　　班里正在進(jìn)行“視力訓(xùn)練”。一個(gè)聰明伶俐的新兵被班長(zhǎng)叫出來(lái)數(shù)遠(yuǎn)處曠野上采掘隊(duì)的人數(shù)。采掘隊(duì)在很遠(yuǎn)的.地方，那些人看起來(lái)只是一些小點(diǎn)兒。但是這個(gè)新兵毫不猶豫地回答。 “十六個(gè)兵外加一個(gè)中士，長(zhǎng)官�！� “正確，可是你怎么知道那兒有一個(gè)中士?” “他不干活，長(zhǎng)官�！�

英文爆笑笑話4

　　Buy the ice

　　Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.

　　Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and watching the ice melting. “What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”

　　“I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.

　　從前有一個(gè)笨人的妻子讓她的丈夫買(mǎi)幾塊冰。 兩個(gè)小時(shí)后，他還沒(méi)回來(lái)。

　　她想知道他為什么沒(méi)回來(lái)，就出去看了看，發(fā)現(xiàn)她的'丈夫在門(mén)口站著，在太陽(yáng)下曬冰，看著冰融化。

　　她問(wèn)他：“怎么啦?你為什么不把它拿進(jìn)來(lái)?”

　　“我看見(jiàn)冰是濕的，恐怕你會(huì)訓(xùn)斥我，因此，我正在把它曬干�！北咳嘶卮鸬馈�

英文爆笑笑話5

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五個(gè)月

　　第二次世界大戰(zhàn)開(kāi)始了，約翰想?yún)④�，可他只有十六歲，當(dāng)時(shí)規(guī)定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫(yī)給他進(jìn)行體檢時(shí)，他說(shuō)他已經(jīng)十八歲了。

　　可約翰的哥哥剛?cè)胛闆](méi)幾天，而且也是這個(gè)軍醫(yī)給他做的檢查。這位醫(yī)生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當(dāng)他看到約翰的.表格時(shí)，感到非常驚奇。

　　“你多大了?”軍醫(yī)問(wèn)。

　　“十八，長(zhǎng)官�！奔s翰說(shuō)。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

　　約翰臉紅了，說(shuō)：“哦，不是，長(zhǎng)官，我哥哥比我大五個(gè)月�！�

英文爆笑笑話6

　　The doctor lives downstairs醫(yī)生住在樓下

　　"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." “醫(yī)生”她沖進(jìn)屋后大聲說(shuō)道。“我想讓你坦率地說(shuō)我到底得了什么病�！�

　　他從頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說(shuō)：“太太，我有三件事要對(duì)你說(shuō)。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的`胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會(huì)改變。第三，我是一位畫(huà)家——醫(yī)生住在樓下�！�

英文爆笑笑話7

　　Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much ...

　　有一個(gè)神經(jīng)病，不知道從哪里弄來(lái)了一把槍?zhuān)�他走在一條小黑胡同里。突然遇上一個(gè)年輕人，神經(jīng)病二話不說(shuō)將其按在地上用槍指著他的頭。問(wèn)道，一加一得幾。年輕人嚇壞了，沉思了很久。回答，等于二。神經(jīng)病毫不猶豫的打死了他。然后把搶拽在懷里，冰冷的'說(shuō)了一句，你知道的太多了…

英文爆笑笑話8

　　A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents

　　occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

英文爆笑笑話9

　　A little girl from the East Side was invited to a garden party given by a very aristocratic(貴族的) lady to a group of little East-Siders.

　　The little girl, as she drank her tea and ate her plum-cake on a velvet(天鵝絨的) lawn under a white-blooming cherry tree, said to her hostess:

　　Does your husband drink?

　　Why-er-no, not to excess, was the astonished reply.

　　How much does he make?

　　He doesn't work, said the lady. He is a capitalist.

　　You keep out of debt, I hope?

　　Of course, child. What on earth do you mean by all these impudent(無(wú)恥的) questions?

　　Impudent? said the little girl. Why, Ma'am, Mother told me to be sure and behave like a lady, and when ladies call at our rooms they always question Mother like that.

　　一個(gè)住在城東貧民區(qū)的小女孩獲得邀請(qǐng)，參加一位貴婦人為城東貧民區(qū)的孩子們舉行的花園晚會(huì)。

　　在一棵開(kāi)滿了白色小花兒的櫻桃樹(shù)下，小女孩坐在柔軟的草地上，一邊品嘗著她的.茶和梅子蛋糕，一邊對(duì)貴婦人說(shuō)：你的丈夫酗酒嗎? 呃，呃，不，他喝得不多。夫人一臉驚詫。

　　他掙多少錢(qián)?

　　他不工作，夫人回答說(shuō)，他是個(gè)資本家。

　　我希望你們沒(méi)有負(fù)債吧?

　　當(dāng)然沒(méi)有，孩子。你問(wèn)這么些無(wú)禮的問(wèn)題到底是想說(shuō)什么呢?

　　無(wú)禮?小女孩說(shuō)，怎么會(huì)呢，夫人?媽媽要我的舉止一定要象夫人們一樣，當(dāng)她們到我們家做客的時(shí)候，她們總是那樣問(wèn)我媽媽的。

英文爆笑笑話10

　　At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater(母校，校歌) . One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

　　I sure was! answered the host. He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?

　　Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.

　　在朋友家的一次宴會(huì)上，主人提起一位高中時(shí)的校友。一位客人問(wèn)他讀書(shū)期間，某位副校長(zhǎng)是否也在職。

　　當(dāng)然了，主人答道。他是我見(jiàn)過(guò)的最大的'混蛋。你也認(rèn)識(shí)他嗎?

　　有點(diǎn)認(rèn)識(shí)，客人回答。我媽媽上周六嫁給了他。

英文爆笑笑話11

　　A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"

英文爆笑笑話12

　　它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來(lái)的

　　Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 一位中國(guó)老婦人在美國(guó)看望女兒回來(lái)不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的'美元。在銀行柜臺(tái)，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

　　這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍耐不住說(shuō)：“相信我，先生，也請(qǐng)你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來(lái)的�！�

英文爆笑笑話13

　　1

　　In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.

　　Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.

　　When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: Go barefoot.

　　中學(xué)的時(shí)候，我對(duì)自己的.高度非常敏感。

　　一次，一位救生員約我出去。事實(shí)上，我從未和他并肩站過(guò)，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此約會(huì)那晚，我拿出兩雙鞋，一雙高跟，一雙平跟。我安排哥哥去開(kāi)門(mén)，讓他和救生員比比高度，再上樓告訴我應(yīng)穿哪雙鞋。

　　門(mén)鈴響了，我在樓上等著。哥哥跑上樓告訴了我一個(gè)不幸的消息：你可以光著腳去約會(huì)。

英文爆笑笑話14

救出哪幅畫(huà)?

　　A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

　　The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

　　一份報(bào)紙組織了一場(chǎng)競(jìng)賽，為下面的`問(wèn)題征集最佳答案：“如果盧浮宮起了火，而你只能救出一幅畫(huà)，你將救出哪一幅?”

　　獲獎(jiǎng)的答案是：“最接近門(mén)口的那一幅�！�

英文爆笑笑話15

　　A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway

　　station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many. Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response.

　　However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New

　　York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"

　　At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"

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